This is too funny!!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's
Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my
wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000 volt pocket/purse-sized
taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to
allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -- adequate time to
retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.